Every year is another milestone.

And another memory. :/

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my (failed) engagment.

So, one more year down, one more year behind us.
Nothing but more years to remind us.
Funny how that works.

This week is always hard to get through.
Like the holidays aren't hard enough.

Busybusybusy.

So I am all over the place lately.
But I'll be back soon.
I just need to figure out some way to heat my drafty, FREEZING COLD apartment, and figure out how to make ends meet this month.
But I'll probably just do a lot of reading and decorating instead.
Sheesh.
I'm a mess.
haha.

NCSU Graduate School

I GOT IN I GOT IN I GOT IN I GOT IN!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Yessssssssss!
I'm finally coming home.

Of course, I should really be packing,

Instead, I'm being inspired. I've loved this poet for a long time, mostly because at some point I stumbled across her piece "Sorting Laundry" which can be found here (which you should really read) along with a few other of her works. She has a very quiet style, a peaceful sort of wisdom that I really can't relate to, but feel like I can certainly learn from.
Enjoy.

From Insomnia Cantatas
by Elisavietta Ritchie

"Simply: I did not write

all day—
no, many days when barren pages
heap like futile clouds or arctic snows,

and wasted brilliance flows—
snowflakes melting into rain—and I must hide my rage
as unused hours swirl down the drain, away

and gone—
Such nights I wake at four
or barely sleep at all."

Yet another reason I love Rilke.

"for here there is no place
that does not see you."

-- From Archaic Torso of Apollo

A fine frenzy

So things have been very whirlwind for me the past few days, hence, the lack of blog entries.
But OHSOSOON I will be back in Raleigh, and I am so incredibly ecstatic about it!!!

Who cares if I have to have my entire apartment packed in two days?
I got this.
No problem.

And on that note, I'm going to get back to it.

OMG ROBIN HOOD.

So I love all the angry conservative rants I've been hearing about how Obama is going to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

OH SHIT.
OBAMA IS ROBIN HOOD.

So does that make McCain the Sheriff of Nottingham, or Prince John?
Because the mental image of McCain sucking his thumb and crying for his mommy while Palin slithers pathetically on the ground trying to cheer him up (Disney classic, come on people) is just too good.

Carry On

I've never met anyone who isn't carrying
some sort of baggage.

A heavy heart,
or heavy hands,
as they travel.

And it always amazes me,
the things we do to the people we claim to love.

ROFLCOPTER. SRSLY.

Sent at 11:51 PM on Tuesday

Brian: i like all the "i'm moving to europe" messages

on facebook

umm, hucklebucks, europe is ACTUALLY socialist

like, real socialist

not made-up, obama socialist

Brian: my mind is completely boggled

our country is going to hell now bc of OBAMA?

it takes a special person to think we're not already THERE

OH YES WE DID.

I am finally proud to be an American again.
This is EPIC.

Even the fall foliage has a hard time making this place worthwhile.

So I went down to the river by my apartment for the first time just a few minutes ago.
Just to get away, to think.
To escape.

Surprisingly, it was beautiful.
I say surprisingly because it's one of the most notorious places in Greenville for drug busts and rapes and God knows what else.
And yes, I was there alone.
God, I'm such a bad ass.

But today, in that moment, it was beautiful. There is no questioning that.
The leaves reflecting in the water set it on fire, and the wind was rippling the surface just enough to force a steady flow, as though a huge, invisible hand was there, just lazily dipping it's fingers across the water's cool surface.

I love watching the current, I always have.
Today, I imagined where I would be if I just followed it, imagined where it would take me.
I would love to be anywhere but here.

I also love deciding what hides just beneath the surface --
engagement rings,
car parts,
drugs,
bodies.
I mean, this is Greenville.
And water is a fantastic silencer for all evils.

I guess that's what I was hoping for when I went down there today. I was hoping that the water could in some way silence all these terrible feelings inside of me.
Of course, it didn't work.
Haha.

Besides, someone had thrown a dead deer carcass into the woods.
And all I really wanted to do was cry.
Because I'm that person who cries for roadkill.

Empathy is such a bitch.

Waiting room

I want you to curse and beg
and burst into my bedroom,
full of promises
and compromise.

But ever true to your character,
you can't even cross the parking lot,
to tap timidly at my front door.

And I've been waiting,
but not anymore.

Here we go again.

I should have figured out a long time ago that making choices with my heart never got me anywhere good.
*Shrug.*

And moving on...

For my roommate, who is going to be a mommy soon enough.

And I am resentful of the hands
that clench into tiny fists
inside my belly,
flailing at the insides
that confine them.

I'll hold those hands soon
and gaze in awe
at you, little creature
I've harbored.

But oh how I wish
you'd stop struggling,
just for tonight.

11.01.08

It will never be about
where I am or
who I'm with,
but who I am not.